Baltimore Orioles Christmas Present List 2014


Jun 16, 2014; St. Petersburg, FL, USA; Baltimore Orioles center fielder Adam Jones (10) on deck to bat against the Tampa Bay Rays at Tropicana Field. Mandatory Credit: Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

Having made many new friends now as a big-time sportswriter for the FanSided Network, I have a new associate who is a deep throat source in The Warehouse at Camden Yards. He snooped after hours with his iPhone and covertly photographed and provided me with a rather complete copy of what many of the Baltimore Orioles are getting for Christmas this year. Think of these items as their holiday bonuses.

Here are a few of the most interesting items:

Ubaldo Jimenez – A set of screwdrivers to tighten all the moving parts. However, the problem is that – along with there being many hundreds of screws – some are Philips head, others are square recessed, TORX, Quadrex, European Pozidriv, and even some Tri-Wing. Beyond that are issues of tamper-proof varieties of each.

Dave Wallace and Dom Chiti – (pitching coaches) – A 12-pack of ReNu MultiPlus Lubricating & Rewetting Drops that contain Povidone, an effective lubricant that provides moisturizing comfort. All of this should help them maintain their “fresh eyes” … after all, it really worked well, so we need those eyes taken care of!

Nolan Reimold (still unwrapped from a year ago) – A rabbits foot dyed orange, a pressed four-leaf clover in a clear baseball card cover, two orange horseshoes, and a wishbone from the Thanksgiving turkey at the North Pole – all to change his luck.

Chris Davis – An automatically renewable Adderall prescription and self-renewing therapeutic-use exemption for such from MLB. The Ravens are getting the same gift for Haloti Ngata.

Jonathan Schoop – A life-sized blowup of Nelson Cruz with arms raised over his head, to be quickly inflated and brought by a dugout attendant to the top of the steps after every Schoop home run. There will then be the obligatory high-fives, chicken dance, and chest bump to follow.

Adam Jones – A Dremel Grinding and Sharpening Kit. I swear that every day and in every interview of 2014 Jones said some version of “we’ve just gotta keep grinding,” or “it’s a grind out here every day.”  What must he do in the offseason with nothing to grind? So, the kit is replete with silicon carbide and aluminum oxide grinding stones and varieties and sizes of grinding wheels.

J.J. Hardy – A Simmons Backcare Mattress. Recommended by orthopedic surgeons, it provides unique support for each of the body’s curves and contours by distributing bodyweight across five zones. You’ve got to like this advertisement finale statement: “With backache relieved, you can get back to concentrating on the more important things in life” … like winning Gold Gloves.

Unless Dan Duquette has a surprise Christmas Eve gift for us all, we’ll see you again tomorrow for a preview of the 25-man roster. May your day with family be all you hope it to be, and may you find yourself in the possession of a stash of new Orioles fan gear and a season ticket plan.

Next: Remaining free agents are slim pickings